


Secrets and Lies

by Yuneyn



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Deathnotetober, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Sort Of, and then enemies again? who knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:35:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27058834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuneyn/pseuds/Yuneyn
Summary: "In a way, if L really thought about it, this case might actually have made him feel alive for the very first time. So, wouldn’t it be somewhat poetic if it turned out to be his last?"Four times when L lied to Light, one time when he told him the truth... and the one question that would decide their fates.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 10
Kudos: 86





	Secrets and Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you are doing well in this mess of a year. As for me, I suppose you can infer my state of mind based on this story... (>_<)
> 
> This is for this year's Deathnotetober 18th prompt: Lies. These two do lie to each other quite a bit, don't they? I definitely didn't have the strength or inspiration to do the whole month this time, but this was actually rather cathartic to write, and I ended up liking it quite a lot. It's definitely different from my usual light-hearted stuff, but I hope you guys will enjoy it as well!
> 
> (And yes, the title is from musical - I mean if there's something in it that works, obviously I'm gonna use it!)
> 
> Like last year, the awesome [Hanakoryu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hanakoryu/pseuds/Hanakoryu)/[Ikathemadhatter](https://ikathemadhatter.tumblr.com/) drew some beautiful art for this story!! I'll link it in the end notes because it's something that happens in the 5th scene of this story - but make sure you check it out, it's so good!!

_01._

“You’re my first friend ever.”

L wasn’t sure whether his lie was the more obvious one, or if it was the one Light uttered in reply. To everyone else, the two of them probably sounded genuine. After all, it wouldn’t be too inconceivable for two people of similarly superior intellect to bond.

But L knew all too well that none of their interactions were real. Light carried the shadow of Kira wherever he went, and just as Kira and L taunted each other while hiding behind their aliases, Light and Ryuzaki played the same game in broad daylight. They were both aware of it, aware that the other knew, aware that they were both too stubborn and too sure of themselves to ever stop playing before one of them was dead.

L didn’t mind. Life, death, it didn’t mean that much to him either way. He had been living for twenty-four years now, but he hasn’t really been _alive,_ not in the sense everyone seems to obsess about. Solving cases, eating sweets, everything he’s always been indulging in was just another way for him not to become mind-numbingly bored. It wouldn’t matter that much if it all ended.

In a way, if L really thought about it, this case might actually have made him feel alive for the very first time. So, wouldn’t it be somewhat poetic if it turned out to be his last? As long as he managed to take Light Yagami down with him, he would still count it as a win.

* * *

_02._

“Criminals aren’t dying because you are Kira.”

The same lie, every day, over and over. It had started as a truth, but as criminals had begun dying again, L hadn’t been sure what to think anymore. Something had happened to Light; something had happened to Misa - L was certain of this, at least. 

It had to be part of the game, the way the whole demeanour of both his main suspects had suddenly changed. What L couldn’t figure out was _what_ the game was now. Light asking to be confined had been unexpected, but L could see the intention behind it. Playing the part of the confused teenager worried that he was being controlled - it had been clever, especially to get the team on his side. Still, L had recognized the challenge hidden behind that corny act, behind those empty words, too sickly sweet for even L to stomach. 

_Fine,_ he had thought back then. _Let’s see you try to make me believe in your innocence._

In retrospect, it shouldn’t have surprised him so much. He had already seen Misa’s abrupt change in behavior, so it wasn’t too illogical for the same thing to happen to Light. But even so, he could never have been prepared for how unsettling it felt to have Light stare back at him with eyes so _genuine._ Even if it was only through the surveillance feed, it was uncanny. L hadn’t thought Light was even capable of such an honest expression. Light’s initial act had somehow become the truth - at least that was what it seemed like now.

Yet L kept lying, over and over. Light was Kira; he _had_ to be, so Light also _had_ to be aware that L was lying… Right? It had to be a more elaborate act, right? 

L wasn’t sure he was ready to account for the possibility of a supernatural power that could switch from person to person, leaving them unable to remember anything. He also certainly doubted he was ready to deal with a Light Yagami who looked at him with such desperate honesty.

* * *

_03._

“It’s not a problem, this is just physical.”

L had known soon after chaining them together that things might end up taking that particular turn. Not because Light was undeniably attractive - L could control himself, thank you very much. Not because Light was still at that age in which hormones are running wild - L trusted him to keep his urges in check as well, especially since Light had no reason to appreciate L in the slightest. 

No, _appreciation_ truly had nothing to do with what had just transpired. It was only chemistry. After the first time they had really fought, the first time they had exchanged punches and kicks, the unabashed heat in Light’s eyes had been impossible to miss. L had also been painfully aware of his accelerated pulse, his ragged breathing, the rush of adrenalin through his body - and how only part of it was due to the physical exertion from the fight. 

So, of course it had been bound to happen eventually. Of course, one night, they would fight when everyone else had left. Of course Light would grab L by his t-shirt and pull him up to yell at him, his face impossibly close. And, _of course,_ instead of fists and feet crashing into each other’s jaw, it had been both their mouths that had crashed together, opening the way to a new kind of physical resolution of their conflicts.

Later, as they were lying next to each other, staring at the ceiling, spent and still breathing heavily, that had been L’s answer to Light’s worries. Sure, maybe the head detective sleeping with his prime suspect wasn’t the most ethical thing - but since when had L worried about _that._

Besides, the degree to which L suspected Light was debatable at this point - the man chained to him was clearly different from the man L had first imprisoned. Actually, this made L feel both more irritated and fascinated by Light - made him want to tear apart the layers of the younger man’s façade in order to discover who was truly hiding underneath: Kira or Light.

Alright maybe this wasn’t _just_ physical, maybe curiosity and competition also played a part in this. But never mind such considerations - as long as feelings weren’t involved this wouldn’t be a problem. After all, whether it was about the investigation or not, he and Light were bound to disagree again often enough. L would definitely rather have such disagreements get resolved in the bedroom than getting constantly punched in the face. 

Really, as far as feelings were concerned, L wasn’t worried at all. He _wasn’t._

Not even when he glanced towards Light and caught the flash of disappointment in those annoyingly honest eyes as the younger man briefly nodded in agreement.

* * *

_04._

“If I die, would you take over for me as L?”

It should have been just another taunt, another trick to try and make Kira appear in Light’s eyes again - but just like all of L’s other tries since Light’s confinement, it failed. 

Well, it didn’t just _fail,_ actually. It sort of backfired as well. 

Not only did Light immediately see right through him, but he called out L’s entire thought process in front of the task force. That didn’t necessarily surprise L; after all, this Light was still desperately trying to prove his innocence, so obviously he would think that divulging Kira’s supposed plan to everyone would work in his favor.

 _“This Light”._ Right. L had been thinking about him in that particular manner for a while now, still unable to reconcile who Light had been before his confinement and who he was now. They had been regularly engaging in sexual activities for a while now, and it had only served to further the gap between those two sides of Light in L’s mind. Every time it happened, L could see the hopeful way Light was looking back at him - genuine, afraid, full of self-doubt. As if he was waiting for L to tell him he believed him.

L couldn’t stand that look. Couldn’t stand the way it tugged at his chest and made his stomach flip. It was a good thing he could simply grab Light’s hair and kiss him to stop seeing it - to stop seeing _him._ Because it didn’t prove anything, really. Only that Light _likely_ wasn’t acting right that instant. But whatever he said, whatever he did, whether in the privacy of their bedroom or in front of the task force, none of it really mattered in the end because L had no doubt Kira had planned it all ahead. 

Kira’s power _would_ come back to Light. L was certain of it.

Good thing Light punched him in the face before L could start thinking about how maybe he wished he wasn’t right. 

* * *

_+1_

“I’m scared.”

Soft. Genuine. How was it that after all these months L could still be taken aback by the vulnerability that sometimes transpired in Light’s voice?

“What will you do if Kira’s powers come back to me?”

L lifted his head slightly to look down at Light, but he could only see the top of the younger man’s head, where he was lying on the detective’s naked chest. When had they started to be so affectionate afterwards already? L couldn’t pinpoint it - and he didn’t particularly want to think about it either. He let his head fall back onto the pillow, reflexively tightening his hold around Light’s waist as he pondered the question.

For all his protests and proclamations of innocence, Light had already admitted to L that the detective’s reasoning made enough sense for him to be worried. He was aware of gaps in his memories, things that didn’t make a lot of sense unless he had been Kira at that time and had forgotten all about it. While he still clung to the hope that the power could simply jump from person to person, Light also seemed to realize that the most likely scenario was that it had all been his plan from the start.

As they would be moving to arrest Higuchi the following night, it was logical that Light would be afraid.

“I’m not sure,” L eventually replied. “I suppose it will depend on you.” They’d discussed it already. Logically, if it had indeed all been part of the plan, then Light would go through the same change he had gone through during his confinement - except in reverse. This memoryless, innocent version of Light would only have existed to confuse L and convince the task force, and subsequently would disappear once he wasn’t needed anymore.

L hated that idea. Not because it would likely mean his own death, but because what kind of person would make themselves go through that just to prove a point? Granted, the extreme self-righteousness that Light had displayed these past few months could be extremely grating, but L had also come to enjoy the man’s company.

 _It was supposed to remain physical,_ a part of L’s brain whispered. He silenced it immediately. No use having regrets now - and besides L wasn’t certain that his ...affinity for Light wouldn’t have developed even if they hadn’t gone down that particular road.

L could only hope that he was wrong. That maybe Light would only gain back the knowledge of Kira’s powers, and keep his actual state of mind - which would actually be helpful for the investigation. They could always keep the truth about Light between them if that happened. Or maybe both personalities would clash and L could still manage to work something out with the non-Kira side of Light.

In any case, L might not have much time to figure out what his next steps should be.

As if he could read his thoughts - and really, L wouldn’t put it past him - Light raised his head to look at him. Soft. Genuine. Scared.

“I don’t want to kill you.”

L’s chest clenched and his throat tightened. He closed his eyes for a second and took a long, slow breath to gather himself. Feeling Light lay his head back down on his chest, L decided that, this time, he would tell him the truth.

“I believe you.”

* * *

_00._

L didn’t want to die.

The irony of realizing it just before he was actually going to die wasn’t lost on him. As he stood there under the rain, looking up at the sky while non-existent bells rang loudly in his ears, he wondered idly if he would have acted differently had he noticed his attachment to life earlier.

 _Attachment._ Right. That was the issue, wasn’t it? 

He wasn’t so much attached to _life_ itself - but he’d had a glimpse of what life _could_ be like during this case. These past months had been fun. Exciting. Whether it had been fighting Kira, taunting, teasing and trying to outwit each other at every turn - or the weeks he had spent in Light’s company, arguing, fighting… And alright, the sex was fun, but it was secondary. What mattered in the end was that, Kira or not, Light had been L’s first equal.

With him around, L wasn’t _alone_ anymore.

Was it too naive of him to think it was the same for Light?

Maybe L just wanted to hope that Light would eventually regret killing him - regret losing the one person on his level, the one person who could understand the burden of a superior mind and the loneliness that came with it. Maybe he wanted to hope that Light could see it too, how empty everything would be once the game came to an end.

But did the game really have to end with one of them dying? In some sort of twisted way, they had both gotten what they wanted. Light had been proven innocent, even if the proof was all a lie, and L had gotten his answers. Couldn’t they find some middle ground now - a new game, just for the two of them? After all, the Light who was Kira and the Light whom L had been chained to both came from the same person. At heart, they had to be similar. So maybe the side of Light who didn’t want to kill L was still in there somewhere?

L didn’t move from his spot as Light joined him on the roof, forcing the younger man to get soaked as well. Looking up at Light, L tried to find something, anything in his eyes that would allow him to hope that all wasn’t lost yet - but he found nothing. Ever since Kira’s powers had returned to him, Light’s eyes didn’t betray any kind of emotion anymore. Sometimes, L almost wished he could catch Light gloating, just to see his eyes come alive again.

The end was approaching. This would be L’s last gamble. Kira and L, both had pretended to be the paragon of justice, yet neither of them had ever been truly righteous. But justice, like life, wasn’t all black and white. Maybe they could still find each other within the grey. 

He took a deep breath, knowing that Light’s answer to his next question would seal their fate.

“Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a time where you've actually told the truth?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading!! 
> 
> Please check out Hanakoryu/Ika's art [here on Tumblr](https://ikathemadhatter.tumblr.com/post/632324197572542464/deathnotetober-day-18-lies-the-terrible-angst) \- she drew the "truth" scene and it's absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking!! 
> 
> Sorry for the open ending haha. I had actually planned on following the anime scene further and make it clear L was going to die, but in the end I like the open ending more. Who knows, I may not be constantly depressed in the future, and might like to imagine a happy ending someday. (I hate 2020, if you guys hadn't guessed) That said, I already wrote a post-Yotsuba arc happy-ending, so if the end made you sad and you haven't read my other story ["Unintended"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18548239/chapters/43962664), you can always give it a go. 
> 
> I have another idea for Deathnotetober this year, for the 31st, but it's still in the early stages and I am really struggling, so I cannot promise it will happen. Otherwise I'll keep it in mind for a later time. 
> 
> Take care, everyone <3


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